Funny Writing Stories - Part 1

When I was little my family wouldn't let my friend Justin and I go see Army of Darkness in the theater because they thought it would be too violent and horrific.

So instead Justin and I stayed up all night writing a book version of Army of Darkness, only going off what we saw in the trailer. From what I can remember our version had a crystal that controlled all of space and time and was kind of like a rock and roll version of The Legend of Zelda.

I'm not hating on Sam Raimi or Bruce Campbell's version. I mean, technically it is the definitive text. I'm just saying there's an epic old Notepad file on a computer in landfill somewhere that's primed for being turned into a remake.

Although we had no idea it was related to the Evil Dead franchise, so that might be a problem continuity-wise.

Write What You Know -- Unless Your Life is Boring

Writing Advice

Writing advice is something writers try to give each other constantly. Like middle-aged women in a book club talking about their weight loss regiments, writers love to share what works for them. Or lies they tell others and believe themselves order to feel more productive. I want to come out right now and admit that not only am I guilty of the writing crimes, but I can hash it out with the harshest of housewives about how many skinless chicken breasts I eat in a week.

On average it's five. But that's when I haven't swallowed a whole pizza in some sort of childish state of depression . . . Or as a reward for a mundane task . . . Or because I rented The Wolverine tonight and wasn't even hungry but just needed something to do with my hands and mouth (which gets me in more trouble than you'd think *wink wink).

But all joking aside, at least for a few sentences, I just wanted to trash talk the piece of advice that I hear the most. Do I hate the piece of advice? No, in fact there's some truth in it, but when people hold it as gospel it kind of puts writing in a bad light.

"Write what you know."

. . .

That's it! We solved it! Writing is done. Killed the creative process. Shut it down, Marv! Shut it all down!

. . .

Seriously though, that's kind of a crock of shit. Most people don't know anything. Hell, I recently researched group therapy sessions for three hours just to write a two page script scene. I didn't know anything about group therapy, I had to seek it out. If I had to write that scene based on what I already knew it'd be about people dog sitting, drinking iced coffee, and reading about giant Japanese robots. And while Mobile Suit Dog Watcher Coffee X might sell to a limited crowd, I just felt like it didn't fit the story I was trying to tell.

I'm a much bigger fan of the advice "write what you like." Because generally what you like is something you're going to know a lot about. Now you might think that dog watching and drinking iced coffee sounds like a riveting tale. We all know that iced coffee can contain way more caffeine depending on the brand, so that's ripe for adventure sewing!

I just thought I'd warn people about taking writing advice too seriously. When Stephen King says that you have to be willing to "kill your darlings," he doesn't mean get rid of every fantastic idea you have, just the ones that don't fit. And when people tell you to "write what you know," just remember that sometimes what you know is boring. Because honestly, compared to the lives of some of my characters, I'm a real watching paint dry kind of fellow.

My best advice -- just keep practicing!

Love,

Kenny Porter

The Three Dates Rule - Humorous Essay

This is a humorous essay I recently wrote in my Writing with Style class. I thought I would go ahead and share it with all of you.

The Three Dates Rule

Anyone who tries to tell you that dating has concrete rules is a liar. That or they've never been on an actual date in their adult life. When you try to put rules on something as complicated as romance you end up with creepy contractual obligations. One of the biggest myths is that after three dates you’re going to have sex with the other person. No contest, it’s set in stone. This rule has been perpetuated in pop culture for decades and has been floating around since the days of Seinfeld. I don’t like to be told how much time I have to spend with someone before I can sleep with them, or that I have to sleep with them on the third rendezvous. It puts a whole level of pressure on the situation that no one is talking about but everyone is thinking. Because, let’s be honest, sex is always on your mind when you’re attracted to someone new.

            I sometimes wonder if this rule stemmed out of the popular baseball metaphor. The whole first base, second base, and third base representations of how far you made it with the person you went out with the night before. The general consensus is that first base is making out, second base is a feel of the breasts, and third base (and I kid you not with the number of times I've seen this typed online) is “manipulation of the vagina.” Those are four words I never want associated with me in the history of my dating career. It sounds like the opening statement for a very unpleasant prosecution case in a court of law. Another thing that doesn't play fair in this scenario is that it’s only counting achievements for men on the female body. Where’s the equivalent for women? I would love to see an exchange where a couple of ladies finally get their due.

            “I made it to second base last night,” says the first woman.

            “You cupped his balls? Were you checking him for cancer?” asks the second. They then smile and share a high five. Because hey, she deserves it just as much as any guy would in that scenario.

This brings me back to the whole rule about three dates and then a mutual agreement to jump in the sack. Do women think this about guys too? I know it’s a common thought that the woman has to sleep with you on the third date, which is the creepiest form of punch-card romance I've ever heard, but do women have the same standards? Women could very well be thinking that they just have to take a guy to dinner three times before he’ll finally put out. I’d like to think not, but the stereotype for the time frame might have already driven it into their heads. It’s definitely infected the minds of enough men willing to jump at the chance of guaranteed sex.

I’m not saying that people should wait longer, or abstain, or take the advice of any after school special where a cartoon mascot tells them how to control their body. If Bugs Bunny tried to tell you when it was appropriate for you to sleep with someone else would you take it seriously? It’s already hard to hear abstinence advice from animation, but then to hear it from a rabbit that bases half his jokes on dressing up in drag and seducing other men is downright ridiculous. He clearly has his own issues he needs to work out, and maybe a commitment to a lifestyle change, before he dispenses abstinence advice to anyone. What it really boils down to is for the feeling to be right. If you put a time stamp on everything in a relationship then you’re just going through the motions until you reach the next step.

Let’s pretend that people do go through a time-plotted relationship. On the first date you kiss. On the second date you do a little more feeling around. On the third date you actually have sex. On the fifteenth date you jokingly throw out the idea of one of you wearing a costume to bed, which may or may not be greeted with hostility. On the fortieth date you notice your significant other talking about how attractive your best friend is just a little too much. On the one-hundredth date you have to get married, no exceptions. And if you don’t make it to five hundred dates by the end of your fifth year of marriage then you have to get divorced. See how stupid that is? Although it might work out for the best if you do get divorced because they were clearly harboring feelings for your best friend anyway. Still, it’s stupid to put a numeric value on it.

The bottom line should be that dating and sex should have no rules. As long as consenting adults are both interested, enjoy each other’s company, and don’t find the other one too repulsive, everything should be fair game. One, two, three, or a hundred dates later, there’s should be no time commitment for reaching any base or home plate. And if there is a book with these rules, do you trust the person who wrote it? No one who makes rules in their favor to get laid is someone worth listening to, although they might just have an obsessive compulsion disorder focused on baseball.